Let me start this blog with a disclaimer: The words that follow are consistent with my personal angst surrounding some things that I recently observed and things that I suspect are going to happen. The words are not meant to insult, belittle or degrade anyone or anyone's beliefs.
Now on with the show.
Last month an old friend lost a swift battle for his life with a damnable virus. The virus. He was a victim of the 2009 Funk- H1N1. He turned 37 on Tuesday and passed away on Wednesday. The final cause of death was found to be a hybrid of an enlarged heart and pneumonia all exasperated by the Swine Flu. He left a wife husbandless; he left two precious little boys fatherless. His sons are 5 and under 2. So the greatest tragedy in all of this may be that his youngest never has any memory of the truly good man that spawned him.
Where is my angst (besides the obvious) in this you may ask? Well first let me give some background.
I met K at a Youth Camp sponsored by our Church in the early 90's. We both were raised in conservative, Pentecostal homes. He was from a small town about 2 hours from Louisville. So had it not been for the fortune of our annual week's excursion of daytime basketball and nighttime church our paths would not have crossed. K was a chubby guy who made lots of friends courtesy of a great personality and infectious smile. I was none of those things really. But we somehow complemented each other very well- we had a very Jake and Elwood Blues sort of thing working for us.
K went on to school in TN. And he chose to follow the faith directly by entering into the ministry. He was made for it. I am certain that he was a blessing to many, many people during his now short tenure as a fisher of men.
I have not seen K in at least 10 years. We did reconnect briefly on Facebook before I saw the horrible news of his sudden loss. It was this sudden death courtesy not of any accident but of a microscope blip that shook me to my very core, waking at night with cold sweats for more than one. And it was a few rather small things consistent with my upbringing that brings me to this moment of self-therapy.
A consistent pet answer for moments of grief (especially those from death) in my religious background is "God did not want him/her to suffer anymore. So He took him/her to Heaven." Keeping in mind that this is not doctrinal as much as it is a tradition- it's really a cliche for people to say this when there can not be any better comment. I saw this posted on messageboards a lot. And it hurt me to read it. It hurt me to see those words because they are heartfelt and mean well and cliche (like I said). K lost his life within a 10 day period to a microorganism that had been losing to thousands of others all over the world. This was not cancer; this was not Parkinson's; this was not Alzheimers; this was not (insert horrible long-term illness here). The playing field was different in this case. But the words of comfort were the same.
Now why does that bother me so very much (when I know it was because of a loss of words)? It bothers me because there is a very good possibility that his children are going to grow-up receiving that explanation for why daddy is gone. Now I could be wrong here and I hope sincerely that I am. But my experiences with religious kids of loss have shown my fears to be more accurate. K's boys have the right to grow-up knowing that a bastard virus played the biggest role in their parental loss. They have the right to grow with a chip on their shoulder. How much better for that chip to be pointed at a virus than at God?
The other part of my upbringing that was as consistent as the traditional comments is "Bad things happen. But you can not be angry or bitter at God." If you raise a child who lost his father and the explanation has always been that God took him to Heaven, you should know, understand and accept that at some point that young man may harbor some animosity toward the entity named as the source of the loss! It's not rocket science; it's human nature. I think that all too often pet answers are given lieu of the truth obvious truth without definitive thought about what impact that pet answer may have in the future. Trust me God can handle some angst from a hurting child, a hurting teenager, a hurting young man. After all the teachings state that He knows what is going to happen before it occurs. He's already prepared. Let the boys grieve according to the table that is set for them.
I miss you K. I hurt for your family. I know that the church has offered full support to them as they begin to rebuild life. And while I am critical of some things, I am grateful that care is close for them. My only hope is that compassion and truth will rule out over pet answers as your boys become men.
I know that some of my readers are very strict believers; I know that some are agnostic or atheist. But I appreciate that all lend me their eyes for a brief few minutes by reading these posts. I hope that someday I'll say something funny, witty, entertaining.
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First off...I'm sorry for not only your loss but also the loss for K's family.
ReplyDeleteAt first I typed a long retelling of a similar loss I had, but cut it. This isn't about me. Instead I'll recount some of my own thoughts about God's responsibility for the things that happen.
At a young age I was always very curious about things...particularly the 'why' of things. I went to Sunday school and was taught about God's power and influence and found that no matter what bad thing befell me, I could always retrace it back to God. In my young mind I would count back the dominos that had fallen on whatever minor tragedy I mulled over and it always ended with something that God supposedly created or instigated.
In the case of K my younger self would have traced back the 'bastard virus' to being created by God who was ultimately responsible. Not exactly the same as the 'pet answer' you denounce, but the results are identical.
In fact the only way not to pin everything (both bad and good) on God is to accept the very flaw of an all powerful God or 'the Omnipotence Paradox'. Ask yourself this question: If God is all powerful, can He create something so heavy that even He cannot lift it?
If God can create something that he cannot lift, then He is not all powerful. If God cannot create something that he cannot lift, he is not all powerful. Therefore God is not all powerful.
Now usually this paradox is illustrated using a stone that is so heavy it cannot be lifted. But what if the creation that cannot be lifted is humanity? What if our lives and wills are simply too heavy a burden for God to manage? What if God is simply not responsible for the crapshoot that is our lives and what we make or don't make of them? What if the whole universe is nothing more than an elaborate Rube Goldberg machine created by God who is just as powerless to influence it as we are?
God is not a scapegoat, although to a young Christian mind it's possible He could become one. And not because of some 'pet answer' but because of the logical conclusions made by children with a limited palette to work with. In fact it's probably a good thing to feel some animosity towards the One people are claiming took something from you so dear. I'd be more worried if these boys grew up blindly accepting their loss at peoples' word and not growing because of it.
My thoughts will be with them and K's wife.